Never Ask A Dyslexic For Directions

 I have lived in NYC for all of my life, but I still get lost and end up having to ask people for directions. As a dyslexic, you can never be afraid to look like a tourist, even in your own city. Sadly one summer my friend from the South, had remembered how to get back to my sister's apartment when I could not. I have come to realize I don't know if my lack of direction skills comes from being dyslexic or a trait I have inherited from my mother's family..The Simons. My uncle who isn't dyslexic, but claims he has Adult ADD, had once forgotten how to get back to my house in Long Island. My uncle would have probably kept driving around in circles, if it wasn't for my dad spotting him on his way home and helping him find his way. My mother is not only dyslexic, but also a Simon, which should explain why she had once driven to New Jersey instead of to our upper east side apartment when she was coming from Soho. Since I am a clone of my mother, it doesn't come across as bizarre that a blind women gave me directions on a Boston T map. To make myself feel better, I think she wasn't fully blind because she new exactly where the stop was on the map. Maybe she was just trying to be blind for a day, but whatever her intentions were it made me realize sometimes I just have to laugh at my life. But, If the seeing eye dog gave me directions then i could go home and feel sorry for myself.

I Did Not Need To Go To Hebrew School To Know Jews Should Not Be Dyslexic...Have You Read The Haggadah?

Receiving claps after reading my part in the haggadah has become as old as Passover itself. This year I not only read with confidence, but did some of my best mumbling.  Before posting I always skim over my writing and instead of reading mumble, as a normal person would, I read it as mumba.  After sitting for five minutes and wondering why mumba kept coming to my mind, it hit me.....  "One, Two, Three, Four, Five everybody in the hometown, hometown, home lets ride, to the Rickey shore....." At this point in the post, you're agreeing with the connection of the Mumble and Mumba, but questioning if those are really the lyrics to the song? The way I wrote that was my version of the song for the past 10 years. These are the real lyrics, "One, two, three, four, five everybody in the car, so come on Let's ride to the liquor store..." If anyone ever questions my dyslexia, instead of showing them my documents I should compare my version of the song to the real lyrics. For the amount of years I have been singing the Mumba song wrong, I have also been resisting the wrong pray in lighting the Menorah. My version, Ba-ruch A-tah Ado-nai E-lo-he-nu Me-lech ha-olam a-sher (My Text) To a not to Witch-a Stand One Name Under God To liberty and Justice For All. -I knight you with the ability to laugh now.  Back to the Jew dinner. I call it the Jew dinner because for a long time I couldn't pronounce any of the Jewish Holidays. Instead of trying to memorize them I just renamed a thousand year old tradition. Names of Holidays, friends and lovers have always been a struggle for me. I could never say Christian, so I would just ask people if they Christmas or Hanukkah. Remembering my friends names were also difficult, even if I was friends with them for months, I would ask them what their nickname was and hope it would be similar to their actually names. Renaming my lovers name has always been the best part of being dyslexic. Some of the names I have come up with have been, Appointment boy, BL, Re-Re, and there are some nicknames that I will not post because they are too inappropriate. My roommate told me I need to be honest to my fans, and to be like Chelsea Handler. I told her I'll be as honest and open above my life once I have had five successful books and have my own talk show.  

The Three Second Hold Up Is Good For Horny Men And Dyslexics

I am a very gullible person, but I don't know if it's because of my innocent appearance or my dyslexia. The answer, dyslexia, but to make myself feel better I would like to say it's a combination of the two. My teacher today was trying to make a joke by saying, "what is that Bollywood movie that has a lot of singing and dancing In it?" Like usual, I didn’t get the joke so I was going to say, "Oh I know which one your talking about, but I can’t think of it either." Before you question if I am even dyslexic  or just plan stupid, I like to say my teacher said it in a  very serious and questionable tone.
            At the age of 20 and having had criticized over a hundred people in my life, I have learned the lesson to wait at least 3 seconds before making any comments. The 3 second hold up isn't just good for dyslexics, but could help any horny guy at a bar. Men at there...if you see a hot girl at a bar, and you do the 3 second hold up, you might then question if you really want to approach her. I understand your horny, but do you want that surprise of a waking up to a ding dong instead of a coochie coochie in the AM?...I don't think so. 

I have come to the conclusion that a dyslexic only has two choices in life. Either to become famous or become a criminal.

Have you ever been in a conversation where a famous person is brought up, but you can't put that formula name with a face. Yet you continue to nod your head and laugh, but think who the fuck are they talking about?  In class we were talking about Annie Leibovitz.  Since I am dyslexic, which means I am horrible with names, even my friends, I didn't know who the fuck Annie Leibovitz was or even how to pronounce it. The first person that came to my mind was Annie, but then I thought no no not everything is related to my consistent character look-alike reference. My Second thought was is Lubwitch  a Jewish name, because as most of us know or maybe I am just making another quick statement, there are a lot of Jews in Hollywood right? Then I thought I might as well use the thousands of dollars my parents spend on tutors and sound the bitch out. How did I sound it out...Lub, which referenced to lube, and witch like I am going to witchta your ass. The great thing about being dyslexic is I have the ability to make as many improper sentences as possible. It’s like almost getting away with death. I wonder if anyone has ever pleated dyslexia as a mental challenge.
 Dear Judge,
I killed Boobie, I mean Bobby because he fun made about my dyslexic, please forgive me.
From,
rellik laires 
P.S, I did spell that word backwards, all on my own.